All About Abuse:

WHAT IS DOMESTIC ABUSE? 

 Domestic abuse is typically manifested as a pattern of abusive behaviour toward an intimate partner in a dating or family relationship, where the abuser exerts power and control over the victim. 

Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. Coercive and controlling behaviour is at the heart of domestic abuse.    

• Physical abuse can include hitting, biting, slapping, battering, shoving, punching, pulling hair, burning, cutting, pinching, etc. It may include any violent behaviour or physical injury inflicted on the victim. It may include child abuse to a victim’s child. Physical abuse may take the form of denying someone medical treatment and forcing drug/alcohol use on someone.
• Sexual abuse occurs when the abuser coerces the victim into having sexual contact or sexual behaviour without consent. This often takes the form of marital rape, attacking sexual body parts, physical violence followed by forcing sex, demeaning the victim sexually, or even telling sexual jokes at the victim’s expense.
• Emotional abuse involves invalidating or deflating the victim’s sense of self-worth. Emotional abuse may include constant criticism and name-calling. An abuser may injure the victim’s relationship with their children. An abuser may interfere with the victim’s abilities.
• Economic abuse takes place when the abuser makes or tries to make the victim financially dependent on the abuser. Economic abusers often seek to maintain total control over financial resources. They may withhold the victim’s access to funds or prohibit the victim from going to school or work.
• Psychological abuse involves the abuser invoking fear through intimidation. It can include threatening to physically hurt themself, the victim, children, the victim’s family or friends, or the pets. It may involve destruction of property or trespassing on property. An abuser may injure pets. An abuser may isolate the victim from loved ones and prohibit the victim from going to school or work. Threats to hit, injure, or use a weapon are a form of psychological abuse.
• Technological abuse involves an act or pattern of acts meant to harm, threaten, stalk, or monitor another through the use of technology. This may involve using internet-enabled devices, computers, cameras, smartphones, GPS, or location-tracking devices.
• Stalking abuse may include any combination of the above. It may include behaviours that by themselves are not illegal. Common behaviours include following the victim, spying, watching, harassing, showing up at the victim’s home or work, sending gifts, collecting information, making phone calls, leaving written messages, or appearing at a person’s home or workplace. It may include behaviours that are illegal such as physical assault, sexual assault, or threats. Stalking crimes usually require two or more incidents that may be close in time. The focus of a stalking crime is to place the victim in fear or in mental distress. Cyberstalking refers to online action or repeated emailing or texting that inflicts substantial emotional distress on the recipient.

1. Love bombing: The relationship begins with overwhelming displays of affection, admiration, and attention to quickly create a strong, deep attachment to the abuser. 
2. Trust and dependency: The abuser works to gain the victim's trust, often by appearing reliable and nurturing, which fosters a sense of dependency and reliance on them for validation and support. 
3. Criticism and devaluation: The abuser's behavior shifts, and they start to criticize, devalue, and humiliate the victim, often with blame and name-calling, which can be confusing and shocking. 
4. Manipulation and gaslighting: The emotional abuse intensifies through manipulation, where the abuser changes stories and pushes their own narrative to make the victim doubt their perceptions and sanity. 
5. Resignation and giving up: To avoid further conflict or abuse, the victim begins to comply with the abuser's demands and gives in to their control, sometimes exhibiting people-pleasing or fawning behaviors. 
6. Loss of self: The victim's sense of identity, confidence, and personal boundaries diminishes as they become so dependent on the abuser that they no longer know who they are without them. 
7. Addiction to the cycle: The intermittent affection and abuse create an intoxicating, addictive pattern. The victim develops an emotional addiction to the relationship, seeking the "high" of the love bombing and the "fix" of an apology, even as the abuse continues. 

 Young people can directly or indirectly experience domestic abuse too, as a result of the hurt that an adult is causing another adult in their family.  A child who does not feel safe, has suffered abuse and neglect,  can develop ACES (Adverse Childhood experiences) 

 What are ACEs?

ACEs are stressful or traumatic events occurring during childhood (ages 1-17) that have a profound impact on a person's life. They include both direct harm and household dysfunction: 

• Direct Harm: Physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and physical or emotional neglect. 
• Household Dysfunction: Living with a parent or caregiver who has a mental illness, has substance misuse problems, or has been incarcerated; experiencing domestic violence; or parental separation. 

Why ACEs are a safeguarding concern:

• Long-term health risks: The more ACEs a person experiences, the greater their risk for developing chronic diseases, mental health issues, and substance abuse later in life. 
• Behavioral and developmental impacts: ACEs are linked to learning difficulties, poor academic performance, and social challenges in school settings. 
• Trauma-informed practice: Understanding ACEs allows safeguarding professionals to adopt a "trauma-informed" approach, recognizing the potential effects of trauma on a child's behavior and well-being. 

 How Arguments Escalate

• Breakdown in communication: When partners fail to hear and understand each other, it can lead to misinterpretations and defensive reactions, fueling further misunderstanding. 
• Feeling attacked or misunderstood: If one partner feels offended or attacked, they may respond with increased harshness, creating a negative cycle. 
• Lack of respect: A fundamental lack of respect can lead to emotional disconnection and judgment, making constructive dialogue difficult. 
• Emotional disconnection: Blaming and personalizing the issue disconnects partners emotionally and prevents them from seeing each other's perspectives. 
• Focusing on winning: Competing to win the argument rather than seeking a resolution often leads to saying things that are not meant and fosters feelings of guilt and tension. 

How to De-escalate an Argument

• Listen actively: Pay attention to what your partner is saying, not just to formulate your response, but to genuinely understand their concerns. 
• Ask clarifying questions: Show you are open to resolving the issue by asking for more details or saying, "Help me understand what you are trying to say". 
• Express feelings without blame: Instead of saying, "You always...", focus on your feelings using "I" statements, which are less likely to trigger a defensive response. 
• Take a break: If emotions are running high, take a pause, breathe, and decide to work out the problem when you are both calmer, even if it is for a short while. 
• Identify underlying needs: Recognize that arguments are often rooted in unmet needs or vulnerabilities, not just the surface issue. 
• Show empathy and compassion: Resist the urge to judge your partner's ideas or feelings, and try to stay engaged and compassionate. 
• Focus on collaboration: Frame the discussion as a team effort to resolve the problem together, rather than an adversarial battle. 

 Statistically, it takes 4-7 times to leave an abusive relationship before you are able to leave it for good. There are many factors that come into play when making this decision. It may take some time for you to feel you are ready to leave.

• Abuse is not normal or OK. You may think that abuse is a sign that your partner loves you. It’s not. Your partner may love you, but abuse is not a sign of that love. 
•  Your partner may try to make you think the violence is your fault. It’s not. You cannot make someone hurt or mistreat you. Your partner is responsible for his or her own behavior. Violence and abuse are never the victim’s fault.
• Abuse can happen to anyone. Some women and men believe that abuse is not something that could happen to them. Abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of whether you have a college education, which neighborhood you live in, your age, your sexual orientation, or whether you’re married, dating, or single.
• Your partner may be very good to you at times. Most abusers have a pattern of abuse followed by making it up to you or making you feel special and loved. It’s most likely that the abuse will happen again. Abuse usually gets worse over time, not better.
• You cannot help or fix an abusive partner. It’s not your responsibility to convince a violent or abusive partner to get help. Your responsibility is to your own safety and the safety of any children in the household. 
• Intimate partner violence is linked to serious physical and emotional problems. The longer it continues, the more damage it can cause. 
• Leaving is a brave step to take, we can support you .  It is important that you are able to keep yourself safe because the person causing you harm will be losing control, which could increase harm.